Nights I couldn’t sleep
Daya blared loud from the headsets in my ears
She sang about feeling lucky that she was loved
She sang about feeling unworthy of love
It was all the brokenness I thought I felt
I played it over and over
I didn’t listen to music so that it could be a balm to my pain
No, I wanted to wallow
To be one with the pain
But later
Later I would learn that was not brokenness
I hadn’t quite arrived there yet
Because see when you break
When you break, there’s nothing left
It’s an ocean too deep
You cannot wallow
You swim
Or you drown….
Swim, swim
As hard as you can
Whatever you do, don’t drown
Because, let me tell you about swimming
That Daya song about unworthiness
It will play on loop, and then
And then as you listen to it
You’ll know it is bullshit
All of it
Because once upon a time
Once you were a girl who licked her wounds and called yourself broken
Broken until you hit rock bottom and shattered
Or so it felt….
Swim, swim, swim
And then you realize
You’re actually beating the current
You have never felt stronger
And you realize what eluded you all this while
All you needed was you, to fight for you
You’re worthy