I love my cloak of obscurity. It is a coward’s veil I know but I hold on tight
I hold it so tight my fingers bleed from it
My knuckles are swore because I won’t let go
I can’t remember how to move my hands but I clench my fists and hold on
Because see, if I let go then they will see
They will see everything
But my cloak, it is beautiful, it has these little sequins that catch the light
They draw small pools of color on the ground when you shine a light on them
Everyone is fascinated by it
They stare at it, that way, they won’t look on the inside
Because inside, inside is not so pretty
See, I made a mess
On the inside, inside there’s so much fear
So much fear it keeps me up at night
There’s ugly scars of regret
I am smart, I was supposed to know better
And regret? It is not your ordinary scar
It’s not a scar born of healing
It’s a scar that grows,
And sometimes, sometimes it bleeds
So I clutch my cloak
Because I cannot let them see
I fear what the scar of shame will do to me if they see
I already cannot sleep
So I watch them
Watch them as they show the world their own scars
They tell everyone their wounds heal when they tell on them
But I clutch my cloak harder, I will not let them see
Instead I hide
I write ominously
And beneath my coward’s cloak
I judge them
Because, because it makes me feel better about myself
Better but for only a little bit
Because there it is, shame